Not really about running...

This is a different blog to normal, need to write it more for myself than anyone else, so feel free to stop reading or if you want to understand me a little better carry on!

It was pointed out the other day that I'm pretty rubbish in social situations, this wasn't big news to me I know, but have never really thought about how much it is affecting my life. 

I've never considered the possibility that maybe I have a social anxiety disorder, I have always found social interaction difficult. I can remember those moments at school where the teacher says they're going to pick someone to speak and you stare at your desk terrified it will be you and wishing to be invisible. 

I do have some people that I can talk to quite comfortably but if there is a group of people or people I'm not comfortable with or don't know I will be the one who is just listening, not really joining in, worried I might say the wrong thing, worried about being judged. In my head I have amazing conversations but that's usually where they stay as I can not pluck up the courage to turn those thoughts into words that you can hear. 

On the odd occasion I go to a party I have no clue as to how to join in a conversation, the fear of getting it wrong is bigger than just standing on the perimeter watching/listening. I am the same at races, that time before the start/finish when people are chatting, getting to know each other, I will try if you talk to me but would never consider going up and starting a conversation with someone I didn't know. 

I have been told by three separate people recently, all I have known for at least a year or more that 'they don't really know me.' This actually makes me a little sad that I can't just be myself and let those I  think of as friends know the real me. 

Maybe one of the reasons I like to run stupidly long distances is because it means I get to spend hours by myself, is it another way of avoiding being with people, don't get me wrong I love it and it is my passion but is it also an escape from social interaction? 

I don't at the moment have any answers as to how I can overcome this, I do know that I want to and I don't want to grow old and lonely with just the dog for company! 

It hasn't been easy writing this and although I know I can't change overnight. If you did read this far maybe it will help you to see me as someone who finds it really scary and difficult to talk/make conversation. I am not being deliberately unfriendly, aloof or unapproachable I am just not sure what to say...

Have a good week and happy running xx 

Halstead Marathon

The training plan said no faster than 9:15 minute miles and no slower than 9:45s. Had been training hard and was ready for race day. I actually made it to the start line reasonably relaxed, certainly not in my usual race day stress!! 

Lindley was unable to pace me round so Maxine had stepped in, we had our instructions, Maxine had apps on her watch all we had to do was run 26.2 miles in sub 4:15 hours. 

     With Maxine on the start line

The only thing I hadn't planned for was a hot day, almost as soon as we started the last little bit of cloud cover disappeared and the sun shone brightly. I've been reading lots of articles on mental toughness and overcoming things you have no control over on race day. All I could control was my pace, hydration, nutrition and keeping positive. So ignore the heat and run...

I ran with Maxine for about three miles, but after a tough weekend running in the Lake District the week before, she told me to go on. So a quick pep talk, which stayed with me I carried on alone. I caught up with John, a fellow member of Great Notley parkrun core team and we ran together till about mile 10, running more or less consistent 9:30 minute miles. I was eating at every even numbered mile marker and that strategy seemed to be working and I felt good but was starting to struggle with the pace. John went on ahead and I focused on running as fast as I could. I got to 13 miles in 2:05 and felt ok. I cooled off with sponges when available kept drinking and stuck to the eating plan. 

I chatted to a few people around the course, was pleased to see my sister and nephew and other friends around the course, don't think it was planned but they were at just the right intervals to be perfectly positioned for optimum encouragement. Thank you to you all for the support it was amazing and very much appreciated. 

Lindley came out on his bike after taking his daughter home and offered words of encouragement whilst cycling around chatting to people. It helped me to keep running as couldn't get caught walking!! 

I have developed a real hatred of miles 18 - 22 in marathons. This is usually the time I will have a mental low point, hate running and wonder why I do this!! It didn't happen this time I was suddenly at 20 miles and still happy!! I knew I wasn't going to make sub 4:15 and just aimed to keep running and do the best time I could.

At mile 21ish I went past a lady crying into her phone. I stopped to check she was ok and see if she needed anything. She was having a rough day but got running again, and we chatted for a bit, before I carried on ahead. Was really pleased to see her finish only a minute or so behind me.

A hug from Kerry was perfectly timed at about 22.5 miles and being told just over a parkrun left spurred me on to get it finished. Mentally I was feeling good, maybe the positive thinking, visualisation and relaxed start really was working.

I finally finished in 4:41:30 and though way off target I'm happy with how it went, I ran almost all of it apart from a few hills (the new hill at mile 14 is evil!) I had to focus and push myself to do this time so really feel it was a step forward it the battle with my head! 

I have to say this really was one of my happiest and mentally strong marathons. I genuinely enjoyed every step. Would have preferred it to have been cooler but no point stressing over stuff you can't change. 

Thanks again to everyone who supported, friends, family, marshals and other runners. It's always easy to see why Halstead Marathon rates so highly in Runners World it really is a friendly, well organised marathon with a challenging but very pretty course. I am sure I will be back again next year. 

Have a good week and happy running xx 

Training 2015 so far...

I have neglected my blog recently so guess it's time for a catch up...

I will be brutally honest and say I've had some ups and downs since St Peters Way, not physically but mentally it's been tough at times. I haven't lost my love of running (I am as obsessed as ever!) but I have at times slipped back to thinking of myself as a slow plodder who can't run fast.

This is where having a coach really works for me, Lindley has never stopped believing that I am more than capable of achieving what I want to, he has been harsh at times when it was needed but the constant support over the past few months has helped shift the negativity. Last week I felt rubbish every run was hard work and I felt really unfit. Halstead Marathon (yes it is 26.2 miles!!) is next week and I was having serious doubts that I can get any where near the target time. Lindley pointed out that I should feel tired at the end of marathon training and not to worry it was time to taper. 

I have been running lots more tough session, tempo runs, intervals, suicide sprints and hills as well as the long weekend runs, just over 600 miles already this year. I am loving that I now have friends that want to come and run hills with me and these sessions are now good fun with good company (thanks Richard, Len, Dan, Pete and Michelle). So yes some tiredness should be expected, I stick to my training plan to the letter and have no problem getting out and doing the sessions each day even it means a 5am start to get it in before work! 

      Hill training with Great Notley parkrun core team.

Yesterday's parkrun has really boosted my confidence that I'm not falling apart, ran 25:25 the fastest since September last year and managed a sub 8 minute mile! I also ran in Hokas for the first time and instantly love them! 

      Sprint finish at parkrun yesterday.

So I am ready for Halstead, I can run it fast and as easy as it is to say that while comfortable on the sofa, next Sunday will be all about positivity and self-belief! I can and will do this...

Have a good week and happy running xx 

      Pictures from a back to back long run weekend!