Is it all just attention seeking...

I got asked a few weeks ago, and not for the first time, why I want to run ultramarathons. Is it for me or to impress others? It got me thinking...

I use social media regularly to let everyone, whether they're interested or not, know what training, races etc I've got planned. I blog, I talk about running. So is it for attention?

 I don't perceive myself as a particularly popular person, I was always one of 'the invisible' children at school, not bright enough to be top of the class, not troublesome, I went, did what was asked of me and went home again. Also my social skills were and still aren't amazing, being in large groups of people is uncomfortable. There is always that worry I'll say something stupid and so I tend to keep quiet. It takes me a long time to really be comfortable enough to open up to people. I'm not the life and soul of the party so I always assume if I'm not around I'm not missed. I'm not writing all this for approval or for anyone to tell me I'm wrong. I'm 42 and have got used to and accepted the person I am and I'm mostly happy with that. 

So how does this all fit in to the original question. Do I run ultramarathons to get attention... I'm not going to say I don't like the attention, but I like it in that it is usually by way of giving me support for whatever crazy challenge I've got myself into! 

But surely ultrarunning by it's nature is an anti social hobby, I am more than happy to go to bed early on a Saturday night, get up early on a Sunday morning and spend several hours running around the countryside by myself. I enjoy the solitude, the thought that no one knows where I am, the peace and quiet. Even during a race, especially an ultra I often find myself running for many hours alone. I am happy alone, conversation doesn't always come easily. So hours alone with just the odd horse or cow to talk to is ok.

      Peace and solitude 

I will always be grateful and amazed by the support I receive from friends and family for my endeavours and long may it continue, but if there were no Facebook, Twitter or blogging, if no one was interested in my running would I still run ultramarathons? Well that's an easy question to answer...

Yes, of course I would, there are still so many races to do, places to explore and distances to see if I can conquer...

Happy running xx 

Chiltern Way Ultra

Wow what an epic weekend in the Chilterns.

Maxine picked me up at 5am Saturday morning in the pouring rain and we set off to Hemel Hempstead and race HQ. I had been practicing some relaxation techniques in the few weeks leading up to the race and although I was nervous, I wasn't as stressed and panicky as I am normally, managed to eat well in the lead up and was excited about getting started. Fortunately the weather improved and it turned into a lovely day for running.

There were only six crazy fools taking on the inaugural Chiltern Way Ultra  (214km version) the 100k event would start on Sunday morning. We were fitted with trackers, given 58 pages of maps to follow and at 9am we were on our way.

    David, Steve, Graham, Mark, myself and Glyn ready to run! 

The first leg was about 15 miles and all went well, navigation was going ok, I was really pleased to actually be able to interpret the maps and if nothing else this weekend my map reading skills have improved massively, it wasn't very long ago that I was convinced I couldn't map read so throughout my run I used the maps with my GPS for checking if I wasn't sure. The Chiltern way is a well walked path and pretty well waymarked. I was grateful for my GPS and it saved me from making any major navigational errors.

I was happy in my running, maintaining 12 minute miles which is what I wanted in the early stages. My nutrition was under control and it was the start to the race I wanted. I was smiley and happy that I was able to spend my weekend taking part in this adventure.

I reached check point 1 only 5minutes later than my predicted time and was happy with that as well inside the cutoff. Was good to see Lindley and Cali, a quick photo, food, drink and I was on my way again.

     Cali and myself at Cp1

Leg two was 16 miles. 

Again it went well, legs felt good, my annoying left heal was niggling a bit but I ignored it and refused to let it spoil my run. I was running well, coming out of High Wycombe Golf course I saw Mandy and her daughter waiting for me for a hug and some support, was a great boost and i looked forward to seeing them again at CP2. This section was getting hillier but I was still on track, walking the hills briskly and running the downhills and flats. I arrived at CP2 at 5:15pm and Maxine taped a couple of hotspots on my feet, while I ate and had a quick chat with Mandy and Lucy. Apparently I was getting lots of support via FB, I had made the decision to only take a very basic phone with me so had no idea what was going on. Abbi was updating my progress and I was left to focus solely on my running. 

Leg three.

Another 15 mile section and I knew it would start to get dark during this one so I tried to maintain a good pace while it was still light. It was all going well, legs were still feeling ok, feet were good and mentally I still felt strong. As darkness fell I stopped sort my headtorch, and make sure I was visible. My pace slowed (too much) but I was still moving at a decent pace that would get me to the next CP within the cutoff. I hadn't factored the cows into this though, I was in a field and I could here 'mooing' and then everywhere I looked all I could see were eyes, in front of me on the path. They weren't happy and began moving towards me, so I did what any sane person in the dark surrounded by agitated cows would do, I spied a barb wire fence that looked as though people had been though before and I leapt though it. The cows continued to stare and stamp but at least they now the other side of the fence. My only problem now I was in a small wooded area full of brambles and stinging nettles! I decided scratched legs were preferable to 'death by cow' so I battled though the undergrowth and managed to get out the other side of the gate away from the scary cattle. I was quite pleased when speaking to some of the other runners later that they had had the same issues, Glyn had also taken the dive through the barbed wire way out! I phoned my children after this, just needed to hear a friendly voice, it helped lots, I pulled myself together and carried on. 

I think with the dark and dramas I hadn't eaten properly during this leg and ran out of drink a couple of miles before the CP. By the time I arrived just before 11pm (and the cutoff) I was feeling a bit light headed and sick. Brian, Cali and Frank were at this checkpoint and also one of the other runners, Graham who was having stomach issues. I had a very welcome coffee, some soup and Brian made me up a bag of food to eat as I went. I was struggling to force food down but knew I had to and also knew I needed to seriously speed up to make the next cutoff.

Leg four

Brian walked us out of the CP and as we walked up the road another runner came from the opposite direction, it was Glyn who was having a navigational nightmare and had spent 2.5 hours running in a big circle. So Graham, Glyn and myself set off, I spoke to Lindley, who gave some good advice and I was determined to make the next cut off. For an hour or so I managed to keep up a good pace, Graham dropped behind and Glyn and I with maps and the GPS managed to more or less keep on track. Then the light headedness came back, and I really struggled. There wee some steep hills and I could only manage a few steps at a time before becoming very breathless and dizzy. I had to push hard to just keep going at this stage, several times all I wanted to do was sit down. I felt like I would never reach CP4. Glyn was great at encouraging me to keep going and I was really pleased I wasn't alone. This was the point where I decided I would pull out at the CP, I was feeling awful and tripping over everything. We eventually made the check point and that was the end of my race. Glyn continued on and I leant him my GPS. 

It was a tough decision but I had had several moments when I thought I might pass out, real or imagined I don't know, was I just looking for an excuse to stop...

At the time of pulling out I was certain it was absolutely the right thing for me to do, now there is that voice inside wandering if I gave up too soon, I don't know, just as I don't know if my feeling unwell was real or imagined, but that is the decision I made and I need to live with it, learn from it and move forwards. 

I am disappointed not to have finished but know for as long as I could I gave this race 100% effort, I pushed hard at the start and I am proud to have made 65 miles. My legs are telling me today that I worked hard! 

So out of the six of us who started, only David Pryce finished, I was privelaged to be there to see him cross the finish line, awesome running.

I had a good chat with Lindley afterwards, sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself, I am lucky to have a coach who understands me as a person, can see my strengths and weaknesses and is committed to helping me improve. Still the best decision I made for my running this year. I have learnt so much not just about running or running stupid distances, but about me as a person. 

I have to say a massive thank you to Lindley, Maxine and all the checkpoint volunteers, you were all amazing and couldn't have done more to help and support throughout the race. 

Thank you also to the other runners, it was great to meet you all and hope you are all recovering well. I also had awesome support from friends and family, the text messages were brilliant and I was overwhelmed by the support I'd had on FB whilst I ran, thank you everyone.

Finally Challenge Running events are awesome, I would recommend anyone looking for a challenge to take on some (or all) of their events. Fantastic races run by runners for runners. There is no denying they are really tough events but extremely enjoyable and superbly organised. I feel really privelaged to have been involved in this first running of The Chiltern Way Ultras, have a feeling it is the start of a really special race.

Have a great week and happy running xx 

It's the final countdown...

1 week tomorrow... gulp!!! 

The Chiltern Way Ultra, this is the race I want to finish more than any other it's been on my mind for months and if (not if, when!) I finish I can enter The Hill, but that's a whole other story! For now my only focus is the Chilterns. 

Not sure how I'm feeling it changes from excitement to plain fear on a regular cycle throughout the day! 

I know I've done the training, running at night no longer seems as daunting, I'm happy with my kit choices, nutrition plan etc etc. Then someone says '133 miles, that's a long way...'

...Yes I know but I've stopped thinking about it as a whole, there are 8 checkpoints along the way, so nine fifteen mile runs. I can do that!! 

      This is my constant motto

I've spent many hours looking at maps, looking at check point cut off times and making a very loose plan to keep me on track and moving at a speed that's going to get me finished but not destroy me too early on. It all sounds simple on paper. It's getting out there and getting it done that's not so easy but I have a quiet determination that I will finish. 

I've trained hard this year, put in lots of miles, run on trails in all sorts of weather conditions and so I am as prepared as I can be physically. Mentally I just have to keep strong and know and accept there will be low points during the journey, but also high points and the biggest high of all when I reach the finish line! 

So a few more gentle runs over the next week, plenty of rest and then next Saturday the adventure will begin! 

Happy running all xxx 

Sponsor me at www.justgiving.com/UltraNicki 

Less than three weeks to go...

I have become slightly obsessive about The Chiltern Way Ultra, much of my day is spent thinking about it, looking at maps, planning and a little worrying too...

133 miles...

I've had all the usual comments such as 'that's further than I drive' 'where will you sleep?' 'You are mental!' and one friend has even given me my own hashtag #nickiedwardsisbonkers!! (Thanks Richard)

Training is going well and I am determined I will finish, I often visualise crossing the finish line. I know it's going to be hard, it's going to hurt but that's one of the reasons I do this, I want to push myself physically and mentally to see just what I am capable of, and maybe what I'm not capable of but then you just have to keep trying, if at first you don't succeed etc!! 

Last night I ran 15 miles on my own in the dark, and once I'd been going for a few miles and realised there wasn't a murderer lurking around every corner I began to relax and enjoy the darkness, the solitude. The moon was stunning and I was stopped in my tracks when a herd of deer ran across a field in the moonlight. It made me feel so lucky and privileged that I was able to be out there doing this. I had a couple of small navigational issues where there were no waymarkers and no obvious paths across fields but I kept calm and sorted it. Laughed at myself when my headtorch suddenly flashed red (had forgotten it does this to warn of low battery!) and I was convinced momentarily that I was about to be beamed up by aliens!! Yes I was the mad woman laughing in a field in Essex in the middle of the night. Have a couple more night runs to do before the Chilterns and they are definitely a worthwhile part of my training, just the confidence boost I needed to realise that I can run and navigate in the dark on my own.

This year has been a massive journey for me and my running, There are so many events I want to do the list just keeps getting longer (much like the races!) I also want to spend more time marshalling and helping out at events. I love the ultra running community, the camaraderie and support that is given to everyone whether you're and elite runner or like me just getting out there and giving all you've got. Long may it continue as I am still at the beginning of my ultra journey.

Thank you to all my friends and family for your support and sponsorship and if anyone else would like to help me raise much needed funds for Moorfields Eye Charity then please go to www.justgiving.com/UltraNicki 

Have a good week and happy running xx 

It's all mental...

So the school holidays are here and I have time to breathe, do 'mum' stuff (cleaning, tidying etc!) and concentrate on training, it's great!!

Also been reading... Lindley leant me Matt Fitzgerald's Brain Training for Runners and it's got some really good stuff in it about embracing pain, deciding not to slow down when it hurts and that some suffering means you're working hard and that's how you should feel so it's a good thing! Having taken this on board I've given this some thought whilst running and at boot camp and it really helps. I've always used the excuses 'I can't run well when it's hot' 'I'm no good in the heat' etc so with last week's hot weather I changed my mindset and told myself I could run in the heat and maintain the pace I was supposed to be running at and chose not to use the heat as an excuse not to run as fast as I am able and I just about managed it. Thinking 'yes I'm too hot, I'm dripping with sweat and uncomfortable but that's ok doesn't mean you need to slow down' actually worked and I had some pretty good runs last week. Also tried the same techniques at boot camp pushing myself to do a few more reps or sprint a bit faster. 

Something else I realised this week is that my race number for The Chiltern Way Ultra is the same as Saffron Trail, number 3. Very sensible friends and the sane, rational part of my brain knows it doesn't matter what number I'm wearing it won't affect how I run. The slightly crazy, superstitious part of my brain, that bit that makes me salute lone magpies, not open umbrellas indoors, put new shoes on tables etc says differently! I'll let you know which bit wins this battle!!! 

Looking back at my running year so far I am surprised at how much I've changed and I still have so much to learn as I'm still fairly new to ultra running, but I feel I am heading in the right direction. I love having something in my life that makes me happy that I look forward to and that enables me to see beautiful parts of the countryside and that ability to keep pushing myself further. Then there are all the people it has brought into my life. What's not to love...

Have a good week and happy running xx 

Moving forward...

So it's been a week since Saffron Trail and although still disappointed I am ready to move forward and focus on my training and preparation for The Chiltern Way Ultra, which is only 6 weeks away.

It's been an emotional week and I have learnt a lot about ultra running and maybe more importantly about myself, my strengths and weaknesses. This is a good thing as there is stuff I can do to address the weaknesses, six weeks isn't long but having finished work for the summer holidays I have the time to train without any distractions! 

Having Lindley as my coach has been great this week as on my own I possibly wouldn't have addressed where it went wrong. Having someone to tell you and give advice has turned what could have been very negative for my running in something more positive. Also by Tuesday I desperately wanted to run, it was as though I needed to prove to myself that I still could! I sent Lindley a message asking if I could as my training plan was to rest until Friday. The reply was 'no walk the dog!' So I counted down the hours until Friday and even a massive thunder storm wasn't going to stop me going for that run! Again left to my own devices I would have gone out much too soon and not recovered properly, I only realised how tired my legs still were when I tried to act as guide runner for my son, who's registered blind, at parkrun yesterday, he went off much faster than I could manage and he had to run unguided. 

Over the next few weeks I will be training hard, getting in some more night runs to build my confidence running and navigating in the dark, and trying to get mentally prepared for what I know is going to be a massive challenge at the end of August. Saying that I am more determined than ever to finish The Chiltern Way Ultra.

      This will be my mantra over the next few weeks 

Have a great week and happy running xx 

Saffron Trail Ultra and those three dreaded letters...

DNF three letters that mean so much... (Did not finish in case any non runners are mistakingly reading my blog!!) 

 So Saffron Trail didn't go how I was expecting and I have spent the last twenty four hours going through a range of emotions from crying to anger (at myself, not anyone else) and others in between. As I said last week I had trained so hard and felt more prepared for this race than any other so where did it all go wrong?

It started well, was a nice sunny evening, if a little warm and humid and I was ready for the challenge. I was finding it a little difficult to settle into a comfortable pace, felt I went out too fast, but often takes a while in an ultra to settle so wasn't concerned. I met Fiona and David early on in the race and we stuck together it was good to have some company and we had an enjoyable first leg and although at the back with the sweepers I was at the time I needed to be at for the finish time I wanted when we arrived at checkpoint one.

We didn't hang around for long and set out again, we had to deal with thunder, lightening and heavy rain, I decided against a waterproof as it was so hot and stuffy and I felt comfortable. Half way through leg two my heel started to hurt, it bothered me more than niggles normally do and even at that early stage I began to slow down. We arrived at Checkpoint 2 and was good to see my daughter Abbi and Kate who gave me some advice for dealing with the pain, took a couple of paracetamol and off we went again. 

Leg three was horrific and where it really started to go wrong for me, navigating and running in the dark was so much tougher than I had anticipated, trying to find overgrown footpaths proved impossible and a couple of times we ended up waist deep in stinging nettles! I had run this section in daylight but it was still tough and that coupled with my sore foot quickly sent me into a whirl of negative thinking.This was new to me on a race, I've had bad patches in races before, times where you question what you're doing, times when you just want to stop, but normally I can give myself a talking to, or talk to someone else and snap out of it. Nothing helped this time, pulling out and going home to bed went round and round in my head, I didn't say this to Fiona and David at this point and we reached checkpoint three fifteen minutes before the cut off, we knew we needed to speed up if we were going to make the next cut off, but it was doable. So off we went again. The creepy graveyard during leg 3 lifted my 'spirits' for a while!! 

     Fiona, David and myself in the Creepy Graveyard!! 

Leg 4 was more fields, woods and a run though Chelmsford in the early hours of Sunday morning, I couldn't manage a decent pace for any length of time, and was fully prepared to quit at the next checkpoint. It was good to see Maxine about a mile before the checkpoint. Checkpoint four had to be moved unexpectedly and she was there to give us water and new maps. I said I wasn't sure if I could go on but was talked into going the extra mile to the next checkpoint. In my head I was thinking 'ok one more mile then I stop.' 

The checkpoint staff had other ideas and although we were a little outside the cut off time we were allowed to go on, a sugary cup of tea was handed to me and I was told to keep moving, my feeble protests that I'd had enough were ignored and I was resigned to going another 10miles. I wasn't happy, I hated running, was never going to do an ultra again once this was finally over, and Lindley got called all sorts of things in my head!! I tried to keep my negativity to myself as Fiona and David seemed in good shape and I was starting to worry I was slowing them down. We plodded on towards checkpoint 5 but at Great Waltham I'd really had enough and spoke to Lindley telling him I'd had enough.

I think the conversation went like this

Lindley: What's wrong?

Me: My feet hurt, my legs hurt, I feel sick and I can't do this.

Lindley: All normal for an ultra then, are you still moving?

Me: Yes but very slowly

Lindley: Ok keep pushing then, get through this section then it's not far to go.

As you can imagine he wasn't my favourite person right then!! So I had two choices keep going or refuse to move! I kept going, there was a sign on the gate we were about to enter that said 'Warning, bull in field' and all I could think was I hope it tramples me so I can stop!! But then just for a while mentally I picked myself up, I could this...

It didn't last long and negativity crept back in, but I did have moments of thinking I could get to the end, so it wasn't going to be anywhere near the time I wanted but I could do it, it was supposed to be tough. So I resigned myself to the fact that no one was going to let me quit so I had to get the job done.

It seemed to take forever to get to Checkpoint 5 but the hours of darkness were over, so navigation became easier, it was Sunday morning, I felt awful but I was going to get this done. Then we reached checkpoint 5 way outside the cut off time and there we were told our race was over. It was totally the right decision. It still makes no sense to me that After spending so long wanting to stop when I was told I had to I was devastated. We'd run 50 miles overnight in pretty awful weather conditions, it was a tough, tough race and I'd got my first DNF. We were driven to the end at Saffron Walden, I didn't say much, I couldn't as didn't want to cry in front of everyone. Once we got out of the car I had a pain in my ankle, the opposite foot to the one that had been the problem! Maxine fed me tea and cake and iced my ankle, was great to get a hug from Abbi. I think Lindley and everyone else said kind things I wasn't really listening, I still can't put into words how completely gutted I am, I'm trying to put it in perspective, learn from the experience and refocus for the next one (there will be one!!).

This morning I was even annoyed that my legs are hurting, I didn't finish so I shouldn't ache, then I realised I had still run a tough 50 miles. The support and kind words I've had from friends and family has been amazing, I know 50 miles is a long way but it wasn't the 70 it should have been! 

I have lots to think about about, new plans to make because not finishing Saffron also means I am out of Challenge Running's Grand Slam, but still have two more races in the series to run and I will run them. I will take the positives from this experience and learn from the negatives and I will be back stronger and more determined. Lindley and Challenge Running will just have to put up with me at all their events again next year as I'm not one to leave things unfinished!!

There are some things that went well, think I've finally got hydration and nutrition sorted. My shoe, sock, gaiter combination is fab, two tiny blisters after hours of running with wet feet and I met some awesome people (love the ultra running community). 

I don't blame anyone or anything other than myself for not finishing this race, the dark, the weather, the navigation all made it tough (it's supposed to be tough that's why I do it!!) I didn't stick to my race plan, I let small things grow into big things in my mind and it was definitely what was going on in my head rather than my body that caused my DNF.

A massive, massive thank you to Fiona and David for your support and company on the route,  hope to see you both at events in the future. Thank you to all the volunteers at checkpoints for keeping us going on Saturday night, for not letting me quit early on, Maxine for looking after me at the finish. Lindley for being a great coach, putting on amazing events and not letting me give up at Great Watham, I plan to work even harder over the next six weeks and will give the Chilterns everything I've got. Finally thanks to everyone else for your support, kind messages and donations. 

Well done to the winners, finishers and all those that took part. 

Have a good week and happy running xxx